Behind Bars Vol 3

10 years behind one of NYCs most notorious late night bars that you might not have heard of.

Due to the late night, or rather early morning nature of the proclivities that take place – not to mention the legality of said activities/location at that time, I won’t be using any real names.

That said, those of you that know, know.

Many of the stories take place in afterhours – happy hour for those us of in the industry that, at the end of a night of taking orders, have enough energy left to expend on taking in some libations of our own.

“Ring Toss”

I’ve been to my fair share of bachelor parties, they mean different things to different people in different places –

but they’re always a lot of fun, once everyone makes it out alive.

So, when only a few weeks into my job at a new bar I was told I would be working an open bar bachelor party for the firehouse around the corner I was in my element.

Granted, bachelor parties where I’m from are more about the booze and making a complete tit of the poor cunt who is soon to sign his autonomy away.

This was about booze… and strippers.

It started calm, a couple of the older guys from the firehouse were there, the type you know were in charge; they’d done this, been there and seen it all.

They paid their respects, got their value for the open bar (you know that was a certainty) and fucked away off. 

Then the fun started.

Have you ever tried pouring a double JD and coke into a plastic cup behind a makeshift service bar in a poorly stocked and rarely used private room where a midget stripper lying on a table cloth has a double ended dildo protruding from her while 20 shitfaced firemen line up like school children to pay ten bucks each for three attempts to toss a ring around said dildo?

If not, you haven’t lived!

It’s a talent – not to mention these dudes were tall and blocking my view of the show.

Carlos, the chef, was awake tonight ladies and gentlemen!

When they asked for the table cloth my first thought was that they were ordering in some food or had a food package included in the open bar – nothing untoward there.

I arrived back upstairs from getting it to see three and a half glamorous women (and one burly minder) making their way to the bathrooms with their changes of clothes and bags of tricks.

This when I suspected there might be an ulterior use case. 

By the time one of the ladies handed me an iPod with a very specific playlist I had a fair idea of the of imminent proceedings.

The fact that I was also dispatched to change eight, crisp hundred dollar bills for as many singles as I could find was only a slight giveaway.

I was like a child at Christmas — they were tipping well and I already had multiple 20’s in my tip jar,

I was working and getting to watch strippers while doing it?

Manna from heaven!

Did I mention one of the strippers was significantly smaller than the others?

Not my cup of tea, but come on – hard to watch but you can’t look away.

In my naivety or perhaps just obliviousness,

I hadn’t noticed that one of the girls was missing and the burly minder was posted up just down the hall right outside the bathrooms.

There was also a quasi-line forming for said bathroom – interesting.

Best not dwell on that one I thought as a crispy Benjamin Franklin landed in my tip jar.

As the night wore on I was persuaded (twist my arm why don’t you) to have a shot or two with the groom and his buddies – why not.
Open bar was almost over and the shift along with it.

My tip jar was full thanks to a whip around by who I’m guessing was the best man –

party on.

As some of the remaining older attendees began to trickle out we had one last wobble.

One of the ‘gentlemen’ missed a step on the way downstairs and landed upside down about midway down the stairs with blood gushing from a nasty looking slit in his forehead –

fuck me, I said to myself. 

This is a nightmare – in an instant I had visions of ambulances, lawsuits, court cases and who knows –

maybe a new job.

How wrong was I!?

Almost immediately an EMT from their own firehouse appeared at the bottom of the steps and turned him right way up.

He was shaken but not stirred and demanded one more JD and Coke before he would get up –

now, this was also almost in sight of the main floor of the bar and close by the front entrance so I wasted no time in filling his order –

one more can’t hurt I guessed.

His colleague patched him up, he drank his JD, wiped the remainder of the blood streaks, which has now dried , from his face and he was good to go.

Lazarus had nothing on this man.

You might be thinking this disrupted the party – wrong. I’ll leave you with an image that has stuck with me and not in a good way.

While this lieutenant was lying inverted, prone on the staircase having his headwound treated and sipping his JD, the party continued.

As I made my way back behind the bar it was now the groom himself on the tablecloth.

With the same double ended dildo that was in use earlier now in his mouth while one of the strippers, how do I put this gently, disappeared the other end, rhythmically.

I don’t know if that, or the fact his buddies were up next haunts me more.

The things you see behind bars!